a chaotic peace

redeconstruction

2010-07-12T18:36:00.002-05:00

there comes a point at which a breakdown occurs. it is not inherently unstable, traumatic, beneficial, detrimental, or optional.....but it is inevitable and irrevocable. the manner in which one perceives and experiences life, other people, feelings, thoughts, and one's own self are altered in ways that may not have been possible or imaginable previously. the outcome of such a break is determined in large part by the ability of the individual to cope with, adapt to, and internalize the changes occurring. this necessitates a significant investiture of time and mental space. the original constitution of the individual's attributes (mental, emotional, spiritual when applicable) determine to a large degree the various stages and processes as well as time gone through in this evolution.

cacaphony.....

2010-03-08T04:19:00.001-06:00

please
please, i beg the voices of the thoughts occupying my brain

you fearful whispers, you stern lectures, you empty hopes, you furious rage, you wordless anguish.

please be mercifully silent and allow me the peace and relief of numb sleep

things of long ago staying true in heart.........

2010-02-04T00:57:00.001-06:00

midnight conversations

staring, entangled in unfathomable depths

of limpid blue orbs

captivated by soothing tones

within the cherished voice

i am swept into a hypnotic bubble

of warm blissful contentment

alternately hesitant and prolific

feelings thoughts sentences experiences

i am enveloped in a river of words

issued from a mind

beautiful and terrifying in its luminosity and razor edge

passing through lips

curious warm loving mischievous

smoothly pale skin

broken by points of darkness

simultaneously

cool and still

fiery and enticing

gestures touches caresses

simple delicate careful gentle

intertwining joining grasping

spontaneous complicated aggressive

combinations of actions and articulations

painting and ever evolving portrait

of you who leaves me

breathless

with every glance word touch

wanting

to know you still more

loving

who i know you now to be

the burning question

like a candle

flickering in the corners of my heart

how long i may bask

in the grace of your affection

it's ok if i'm a bit unstable........

2008-08-09T06:33:00.002-05:00

empty

i am contradiction
filled with loneliness
longing to be left alone
fearing everything
knowing there are only empty threats
i shy away from love
having grown so long on hate
thirsty for sympathy
in a desert of hatred
from the black and bloody askes
my smoky pain drifts
throughout the aching cage
of my shadowy mind

sdt

real swashbucklers........

2008-06-24T22:41:00.001-05:00

tell me that you open your eyes......

2008-06-17T16:36:00.001-05:00

you've left me with such pretty scars....

2008-05-26T11:28:00.001-05:00

in conversation i fail miserably......

2008-05-13T22:08:00.001-05:00

my regrets have never known such sorrow.......

2008-02-29T07:58:00.000-06:00

i thought about fire in the sky.......

2008-01-18T07:53:00.000-06:00

tones of home.....

2008-01-18T07:38:00.000-06:00

in the stillness, you are there.....

2007-11-20T13:05:00.000-06:00

time doesn't exist here.......

2007-11-18T22:49:00.000-06:00

my own little world......

2007-11-18T22:31:00.000-06:00

vagary

i’m uncertain
what am i doing?
who is that person looking out from my mirror?
the me who once existed
perhaps only in the fog of my imagination
or was it really me?
and what’s become of that self?
do i still exist…have i become someone else?
and if so…does the me who once existed like my self?
i don’t know
if my thoughts even make sense to my brain
if what i feel is really there
if i’m really who i imagine my self to be
or is it all just in my head?
will i ever really know?
does my self like my self enough to make that really matter?

insanity....

2007-09-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

i am surrounded
i am struck at from every direction
i have no safe haven
my life belongs not to me
i watch as it
is shredded and ripped
then molded to fit
the needs and pleasures of others
i am used
nothing bu amusement
for those whould see me
and delight
in my slow coming insanity
and others who care nothing
of my fate or death
who would never know
if i lived
whether in spirit or body
nor would my death
be loss to them
i am everything
to no one
and nothing
to everyone

~sdt

we could see forever, if we opened our eyes......

2007-09-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

i never took the time to stop and realize......

2007-09-04T11:15:00.000-05:00

to think of you is to treasure an absent memory....

2007-08-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

you set my soul alight....

2007-08-25T21:47:00.000-05:00

their eyes were watching God.....

2007-08-17T04:14:00.000-05:00

dawn...

2007-08-08T15:29:00.001-05:00

a gold mist settles
over a sunless sea
just before the freshest dawn
there is a shining peace
in the miniature landscape
of the beach

holy sunlight
brings the sacred morning
blotting out the spotted shadows
with its luscious light
that is filled with life

a black sunset brings
the moon
like a bannered crescent
shining upon
the blossomed greenery
like an enchanted fire

familiar roads previously traveled....

2007-08-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

fearful trust....

2007-07-29T00:25:00.000-05:00

the most hidden and secret places of my heart and mind
you touch as easily as if they were laid bare
my skin, the very flesh of my body seems transparent
under the gaze of your ordinary *but not* eyes
it seems an effortless thing, this ease with which you dissect me
there is much comfort and terror in the familiarity of you
do you know what your caring attention has done for/to me?
do you know how you have rescued me from myself?
do you know these words are written to you?

inverted.......

2007-07-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

words for the world....

2007-07-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

please please don’t ask me to smile
after all i have given over to you
it is too much to pretend what i don’t feel
for the sake of your comfort
you know me, you know who i am
you know that i will put aside myself for you
in ways both small and large i forfeit me
my needs desires feelings thoughts obligations
you never knew about the people who hurt me
you never saw the tears tracing the inside of my heart
you never heard the ache and weariness of my voice
you never saw the way my body began to stumble
you never saw the uneaten meals or the endless waking nights
you never felt the trembling of my limbs
you never touched the bruises and cuts on my body
these things were always there
but you were oblivious to them
knowing caring only that i would be there for you
you will never know how much you hurt me
you will never know the depth of my love for you
you will never read these words i have conjured for you
because you do not know they are for you
because you do not really know what i am

mundanity....

2007-07-26T14:17:00.001-05:00

the fire breathes.......

2007-07-25T22:48:00.000-05:00

cycle.......

2007-07-25T22:45:00.000-05:00

repression subjugation
pressurizing encumbering straining
explosion fulmination paroxysm
frenzied flailing limbs
fingers fists nails teeth
striking pounding scraping biting grinding tearing
without mercy relentless perpetual
hate spite disgust jealousy rage guilt
reddened flesh broken skin bleeding wounds
whispering thoughts tearless sobs voiceless words
purging evicting expunging
breathless collapsing curling in shutting down
stillness silence solitude
emotional chaos mental confusion physical exhaustion
binding mending patching
masquerade feign pretend deceive
abused exploited used manipulated bled drained siphoned tapped
void hurt confused lost bereft
segregation isolation disconnection dissociation sequestered
repression subjugation

shards of life.........

2007-07-25T13:14:00.000-05:00